G.I. Joe: The Revenge of Cobra
Picking up where we left off, this is the second G.I. Joe miniseries. With the heroes and villains safely established, the action in this one starts right off. We've barely got time to breathe when Cobra attacks the Joes, who are providing a military escort to a truck carrying an experimental laser core. The ambush is led by Cobra Commander himself. This is a neat sequence because it shines a spotlight on a bunch of new characters interacting with returning favorites. On the Cobra side, there are the saboteur Firefly and Scrap Iron, who I barely remembered despite having had the action figure. On the Joe side, we're seeing all kinds of characters who I'll get to as we go along.

Duke gets captured almost right away. *sigh* I love the guy, but seriously, it's like he's doing it on purpose. Two miniseries spent as Cobra Commander's prisoner. Not only that, but Cobra captures the laser core and Snake-Eyes is addition to Duke. Snake-Eyes in in a new costume, the classic version with the visor.

At least G.I. Joe captures the Cobra Commander.

Okay, I just have to say here that I'm not really a fan of Flint. We've never seen him before, and all of a sudden he's the second-in-command of G.I. Joe. Duke gets captured and Flint just casually announces "I guess I'm in charge now." And all I'm thinking is, Stalker should be in charge now, smuggo. I liked Flint okay as a kid, probably even better than Duke. For whatever reason, as an adult, I'm totally on Team Duke and resent Flint taking the reins. Weird.

Next we go to the swamp, where we're introduced to Zartan and the Dreadnoks. Zartan, the master of disguise, looks like a heavy metal rocker. Some people say Ozzy Osbourne, but I say David St. Hubbins from Spinal Tap. Even his voice sounds a bit like Michael McKean doing that British accent. They give Zartan this cool echo-y reverb, too. The Dreadnoks--Buzzer, Ripper and Torch--are his mercenary band. Yes, Cobra has allied itself with what amounts to a magician and his biker gang. The Dreadnoks--who, according to the internet, bear the real names Tom Blinken, Dick Winken, and Harry Nod--have some of the worst fake English accents in cartoon history.

Zartan stops Colonel Sharp on his way to Blackwater Prison, captures him, and disguises himself as him. At the prison, Colonel Sharp and one Dr. Gassel completely antagonize Gung Ho by telling him that Cobra Commander is being considered for parole. The poor, dumb Marine actually buys it, too. An international terrorist leader considered for parole? Come on, Etienne!

He should've known that it was really Zartan and the Baroness in disguise! The Baroness was in a blue bodysuit in the first miniseries; here she first appears in her classic black leather. There's a firefight, but Cobra Commander is rescued and the Cobra operatives escape. Zartan has this weird allergy or something to light, but it doesn't seem to do much other than annoy him. I remember the action figure would turn this dark color if you put it in the sun. There's a nice gag with Cobra Commander hitting his head on a tree branch. Cobra Commander is more hilarious this time around, more obviously funny than menacing. They have fun with his ineptness, and with his squabbling with Destro.

Destro, by the way, has no problem carrying on in the absence of Cobra Commander. The newest Cobra fortress is hiding under a desert somewhere, and in the tallest tower sits the Weather Dominator, Destro's newest superweapon. A squadron of Skystrikers are following Cobra to recover the laser core and rescue Duke and Snake-Eyes, so Destro unleashes a storm on them just as they reach a gorge called the Pit of Chaos. Flint is leading the squad and tries to get everyone clear, but he, Roadblock, and Mutt are caught in the storm and disappear. Scarlett leads everyone else back to base.

Destro is extremely pleased that Major Bludd has brought back the laser core and two prisoners, one of whom is the leader of G.I. Joe. But he becomes disgruntled as hell when Cobra Commander shows up seconds later with Zartan in tow. Destro, despite being an arms dealer who provides weapons and equipment to an international terrorist leader, has a real distaste for mercenaries, and does not approve of Zartan. Cobra Commander, in a move that sets the tone for the upcoming regular series, quickly sides with Zartan and disparages Destro's abilities, despite the fact that Destro is always going to be the smartest guy in the room at Cobra.

(By the way, the theme song kind of bothers me. The theme song for the original miniseries had a line that went "It's G.I. Joe against Cobra and Destro." This was changed for this miniseries--and the regular series--to the more awkward "It's G.I. Joe against Cobra the enemy." Why did they do that, I wonder? I liked the idea that Destro was working with Cobra, but not really a member of Cobra. Plus, "Cobra the enemy" adds an extra syllable, which makes the verse clumsy. Weird.)

This is the first time we see Cobra Commander in the hood, which he wears from now on when he's not in battle or on a mission. Hooded Cobra Commander is also iconic to me. You had to send away for the action figure, which I did. I still have it, too.

Back at Joe HQ, we're introduced to Sparks, who has no personality, really. He can't detect Cobra's whereabouts, but Cobra Commander sends a transmission unveiling the Weather Dominator and demonstrates it by creating a storm in the sunny Aegean Sea.

You tell him, Gung Ho!

Now, briefly, I have to mention another of my loyalties. As much as I don't really care for Flint, I hate Lady Jaye. I don't know what it is about her that bugs the hell out me, exactly, but I don't feel a need for Lady Jaye in this cartoon. She tries too hard. Like we're just supposed to accept that she's so awesome, so capable, so sexy. It's almost like she was created to be an imaginary girlfriend for kids watching the show--did Chris Claremont create her?--and I know a number of guys my age who were just so crushing on her. (And let's just admit now, the cartoons we saw then informed a number of crushes and weird sex fantasies and etc.) We don't need her. We've already got Scarlett.

Scarlett, who is all of the awesome, capable sexiness without having to call so much needy attention to it. I'm just saying.

So now Destro shows Cobra Commander and Zartan another invention: a dried up piece of vine which, when a single drop of water is placed on it, grows to amazing proportions and nearly strangles the life out of the two. Destro takes a lot of joy in Cobra Commander's panic (Zartan's, too), but the creeper vine soon dies from lack of water. Cobra Commander is very impressed once he catches his breath. Destro reveals that the Pit of Chaos is loaded with creeper vines.

As we may remember, there's a storm over the Pit of Chaos, and Flint, Roadblock, and Mutt have crashed inside. Soon they're covered in creeper vines; they only survive because Mutt thinks to turn on his Skystriker's thrusters and stop the vines in their tracks, but the fuel will only last so long. Mutt, a K9 specialist, also has his dog Junkyard with him. (Junk appears to be a Rottweiler.) Is it really, you know, convenient for a pilot in an F-14 to take his dog with him? Just asking.

Roadblock is one of my favorite G.I. Joe characters. Not only is he fun and hilarious, but he speaks in this singsong jive which often rhymes. It's awesome. Roadblock is the best.

Over in the fortress, Cobra Commander is up to his old tricks. He's got Duke as a prisoner (again), so what to do with him? That's right, it's time for the Arena of Sport. Cobra Commander is like a sadist in a Gor novel sometimes. I'm surprised he didn't make them strip their shirts off before fighting. Subtext? What subtext? This time, he puts Duke and Snake-Eyes in neural controls and forces them into full-on gladiatorial combat. Snake has the trident and net. Oy.

The neural controllers aren't powerful enough this time around, and the Joes are able to overcome the commands, hear Cobra Commander talking about his plans to strike Washington, DC, with the Weather Dominator, and bring down the power pillars for the neural controls. Snake-Eyes manages to pull a device out of his utility belt and transmit a Morse code message to Joe HQ. They're subdued, but I would hope that whichever Cobra soldier was searching these guys got demoted pretty harshly for not taking that thing off of Snake-Eyes.

Breaker discovers the message pretty quickly, by the way. Breaker is way cooler than Sparks.

Already, Doc has figured out a way to get around the Weather Dominator. He's created these energy mirrors which just absorb the energy. When they're aimed at a bigger redirection mirror, the energy can be collected, and then diverted elsewhere. How does it work? My guess would be magic, but hey, it's science fiction. I mean, how does the Weather Dominator simply create weather, right? Doc's implausible example for this implausible system is to have Blowtorch, another new guy with a silly Scottish or Irish accent (I can't tell which), shoot his flamethrower at the mirror. So, it converts the flame to pure energy? Okay, whatever keeps the plot moving.

And what about our men in the Pit of Chaos? They manage to construct a makeshift helicopter, a real hunk of junk, out of parts from their downed planes just as Mutt's Skystriker runs out of fuel and the engines die. The creeper vines move in and Flint, Mutt, and Junkyard are forced to leave Roadblock behind. The copter flies out of the storm, then almost immediately falls apart. Flint and Mutt run across some Cobra sentries, knock them out, and take their uniforms.

Roadblock escapes the vines through the sheer power of being a huge and awesome black man.

Destro is now uncertain about using the Weather Dominator on Washington, DC, but Zartan supports Cobra Commander--the Commander just eats this support up, too. Would you guys like room? Jeez. Destro creates a tornado in the nation's capitol, and the Joes arrive too late to stop it. Further, some of their energy mirrors are smashed by accompanying hail. Cobra Commander orders Destro to unleash the full power of the Weather Dominator (this is what the laser core was for), but the lightning strikes are collected as energy in the remaining mirrors, and Doc redirects the energy to the Cobra fortress. Destro escapes unharmed, but the Weather Dominator is destroyed. The three main components are apparently blown into outer space, where they break apart and fall to various points on the planet.

So now we've got the same main thrust as last time--a treasure hunt/race for various components both sides need. Cobra wants to rebuild the Weather Dominator; G.I. Joe needs it to reverse the effects of the Weather Dominator. The world's weather patterns are now in chaos.

Meanwhile, Flint and Mutt are wandering in the desert. They reach a town that owes quite a bit, design-wise, to Mos Eisley. The whole town is populated by Cobra soldiers and other drunken toughs; these two elite members of America's daring, highly-trained special missions force are shocked and slightly frightened to see guys getting beaten up outside of the "Cobra Cafe," but they still go in. And inside, they wind up in a bar fight with everyone in the place (great bit with Mutt growling at a dog threatening Junkyard) except for one guy. And here's where they meet my all time favorite Joe: Shipwreck.

I love Shipwreck. The dude's sarcastic and matter-of-fact at the same time. He's hot-tempered, but also somehow laid back. I love this dude. I also love the incredible incongruity of Flint and Mutt meeting a sailor in the desert. Shipwreck's not a Cobra--Junkyard trusts him instantly--but basically a mercenary. In other words, he's the Han Solo of the G.I. Joe universe. I'm sticking with that characterization. Shipwreck offers them a way out of town: a boat. A boat on skis with a sail that glides over the sand dunes. It's pretty cool, actually.

The ship is hit by a sandstorm pretty quickly, though. There's an exciting sequence where Flint and Shipwreck have to rescue Mutt, which is basically a sea rescue played out on the sand. It's creative. Shipwreck uses thrusters to get the sand-boat the rest of the way.

The first part of our treasure hunt takes place at the Island of No Return, which means Torpedo. I seriously hate Torpedo. He, Wild Bill, Doc, and this lameoid called Cutter (just a Coast Guard guy) lead the mission to recover the hydro-master component. Zartan and the Baroness lead the Cobra forces.

The second fragment, the ion correlator, is at the Palace of Doom in a jungle. Cobra Commander assigns Major Bludd to recover it. While the Joes are planning, Flint and Mutt make their return, Shipwreck alongside them. There's some lame flirting between Lady Jaye and Flint, which he sheepishly tries to deflect, so Shipwreck moves right in and starts hitting on her. The Joes are going to head out to the Palace of Doom, led by Flint and Lady Jaye, and Shipwreck comes along for the ride, so I guess he's in G.I. Joe now. I'm pleased to have him, but if G.I. Joe is supposed to be the elite, the highly-trained, the best of the best of the best, how can he just show up and decide to tag along? I mean, they'll just let anyone with a costume and a gimmick in? You know there's got to be regular Army or guys in the Marines who are working really hard to be good enough to get into G.I. Joe, and they're all pissed right now that Shipwreck is just sticking around.

Shipwreck's awesome.

Speaking of awesome, Roadblock sneaks into the back of a semi truck at the end of a Cobra convoy in the middle of the night. (And by the way, where is the Cobra fortress? It seems like it must be in the American southwest somewhere.) There's a cowgirl tied up in the back of the truck, and Roadblock frees her. She's Honda Lou West (ouch) and she's kind of a sarcasmo. Roadblock's all cool, talking about being a gourmet chef, casually mentioning his G.I. Joe affiliation, and puts Honda Lou at ease. Roadblock is about a thousand times cooler than B.A. Baracus. Turns out that Honda Lou owns all of the semis in the Cobra convoy and that they've been stolen.

(Neat trivia note--the trucks all look like Optimus Prime. They're the same model; Sunbow released the original Transformers miniseries this same year.)

One of the key Joe figures in the jungle is Recondo, a jungle ranger who always seems way too impressed with himself.

The fighting continues at the Island of No Return, and breaks out at the Palace of Doom. Tornadoes cause a whirlpool at the Island of No Return, which Torpedo routes with, well, torpedo fire. "They don't call me Torpedo for nothing!" Ugh, I effing hate Torpedo. Die in a fire, Torpedo. Spirit, the native tracker, offers to go himself and try to retrieve the component.

At the Palace of Doom, things are considerably more awesome, as a giant Cobra robot fights a Harryhausen-esque stone temple guardian for the other component. It's bliss.

Spirit is forced to fight another new Cobra operative: the ninja Storm Shadow. They're pretty evenly matched, too, because Spirit totally falls into the native mystical warrior stereotype. I have to admit, I like both characters even though I find them totally clich Yahoo: laser spirit level Yo, Joe! Part 2 laser spirit level hole
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